Papa
by Restless And Tempted
Summary: I could not step inside that room...To enter that room was to admit that he was dead...' This is Christine's last memory of her beloved Father...And it will haunt her forever. Christine's POV. R&R please.


_**A/N:**_ **A rather random little oneshot that crept into my head and that I had to get out of my system.**

**Christine's POV as we join her on the night of her last memory of her father.**

**I don't think it actually specifies exactly how old Christine was when her father died (I know she was meant to be quite young in the ALW version) but for this oneshot I envisioned her to be about 14 or so.**

**Anyway hope ya all enjoy it!**

**Please don't forget to review! (",)**

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_**Papa**_

My hands shook, as once more I attempted to reach for the door handle.

And once more they fell uselessly to my side.

Desperately I fought to contain the sob that welled up within me.

How could I do this?

I had avoided it for so very long but now here I stood.

I could not open that door.

I could not step inside _that _room.

Everything would change once I did so.

My life would turn to ashes around me

_Ashes to ashes…_

I could not bear it…could not bear all that this eternal moment signified…

To enter that room was to admit that that pitiless disease had won.

To enter that room was to admit that he was dead…

How had everything gone so terribly wrong?

It felt as though it were only yesterday that I was a carefree child playing by the sea and singing to the soothing accompaniment of Father's violin.

But this was not true.

This day had been coming for quite some time now…and that almost made it worse.

It had been so long that I believe I had convinced myself that the doctor was wrong.

Father was not so sick, he was only tired. Though he began to play less and less I could always cheer him with a song.

He always said that I looked so much like Mama when I sang.

No, Father would be fine and we would play again at the fairs.

But I was wrong, and all my childish wishing could not change the fact that Father _had _been sick. He had been very sick indeed.

Mama Valerius had told me to pray every night and I prayed so very hard.

I told God that I loved my Father so dearly and that I needed him very much.

We had been alone together for so long.

Even at Mama Valerius' only Father really understood me.

He was always there to amuse or comfort me with an old legend of the land of the North.

He believed in me and so I could do anything. I was going to be a famous singer.

In years to come everyone would know the name of Christine Daae!

That is what Father always said and I believed him because Father loved me and he would never lie to me. Never!

So I prayed, but it was not enough.

My love had not been strong enough to keep him.

God had already taken Mama, was He not content with her?

Could I keep no one for myself? Was that selfish?

Oh, but I was so alone now!

Father had been my world as I had been his.

How did they expect me to go on without him?

"_Time will help you overcome it, little one."_

Over and over I heard variations of that same sentiment.

_Time. Give it time._

Well, I didn't have time to give!

I was alone _now_. I was terrified _now_.

I knew that I was not a baby anymore.

I was a young lady, that is what everyone expected me to be.

But inside I was still just a child, a little girl.

And all little girls need their fathers, why couldn't anyone understand that?

Only Mama Valerius could see the pain I was in.

She tried to console me but how could she when I could barely console myself?

So, I had to spend much of my time alone, hiding my grief, for I did not wish to be a burden on my dear Mama Valerius.

I did not wish to be anyone's burden but I desperately needed someone!

I had never known such grief!

When Mama had died I had been too young to fully understand.

I only remember the quiet sobs Father would be reduced to when I asked why Mama could not come back.

I understood now…More than I ever wished to, I understood.

Trembling, I grasped the door handle in a sudden burst of bravery.

Opening the door, I all but threw myself inside, but in the same instant I squeezed my eyes shut.

I couldn't do this…I could not…Oh Father, why did you leave me?

Standing there with my eyes tightly shut I began to cry. Silent tears in the darkness.

I was so alone…and I hated it!

Father had said he would send me the Angel of Music when he went to Heaven.

He had promised!

Oh, if the Angel ever visited me I would be ever so good for him!

I would love him forever and I would never, never leave him!

But, where was my Angel? Was Father not in Heaven now?

That is what everyone told me.

Or…Or had Father lied to me?…No, no he would never!

Perhaps I wasn't good enough.

Yes, perhaps I really wasn't good enough.

Father was gone and I could not even do this for him. I could not open my eyes and look…

Instead I stood here feeling…feeling angry at Father for leaving me!

Oh, perhaps I was wicked indeed!

Now the Angel would never visit me and I would be alone forever because…oh, because everyone I loved died!

I was sobbing now and I couldn't help it.

Oh, forgive me Father I shouldn't think such things.

Father had never meant to leave me, but he had kept me so close that now I was afraid to be without him…And I almost blamed him for it!

Oh, wicked, wicked child!

I was so foolish and such a coward!

I wanted to run to safety instead of face reality.

I wanted to escape into one of Father's stories.

But Father would never tell another story…

This was all I could do for Father now, he would have wanted me to say goodbye…and yet still I hesitated.

I had not been there for his last breath…perhaps that was why nothing seemed very real yet. And I hesitated to make it real.

It was very selfish of me.

With a cry I opened my eyes and the sight before me made me gasp.

I couldn't breathe. I felt as though I couldn't breathe!

Even with all the candles the room was unbearably cold to me.

There he lay amongst the flickering candles and the modest bouquets of flowers.

So still. So silent.

There lay my Father.

But it wasn't my Father.

Father was never so still.

Father was always tapping out a beat or fidgeting as though he could not decide quite what to do. And when Father was silent, he was never this silent for music would seep from his fingertips and channel itself through his violin.

His violin which lay beside him. Silent and…dead.

The flickers of the candles almost made it seem like every now and then his fingers twitched as though he was trying to reach for his instrument.

As though he longed to play one last time.

But it was only an illusion.

Not real…

He looked so strange lying there.

_He _didn't look real. He almost didn't look like my beloved Father

Death had changed him.

It had robbed him of all that, in life, I had loved about him.

His pale, ravaged face upon the pillow was almost frightening to me…and I was very ashamed of that.

The true meaning of the situation began to set in and my mind recoiled.

The longer I stood there, the more my mind began to unhinge, I believe.

I was not prepared for this.

I should have said goodbye at the funeral as Mama Valerius had suggested but I had thought this would show Father how much I loved him. I had thought this was what good daughters did.

But I was not prepared for this!

This strange creature before me was my Father and he was…

He was…

No, no, no, no!

Father was not dead! He wasn't!

For I could remember him clearly, so very clearly that he could not be dead.

I could almost hear him.

Yes, yes, he was calling me.

He wants me to sing. He is asking me to sing a requiem.

But I cannot!

My voice chokes on the words. My throat tightens.

I am silent.

There is no music left in me.

After all a requiem would not have been appropriate at all, for Father was…

He was only sleeping. Yes, only asleep!

I would wake him so we could watch the sunrise together.

See, how he almost stirred as I approached him…or was that the candles…?

Reaching out, I touched his icy cheek.

He was so cold! He should have been under the covers, silly Father!

My hand slipped down to his shoulder and I shook him gently.

"Father?" I called softly.

There was no answer.

Reality began to crawl back into my mind, whispering cruel things to me.

I was crying again…Weeping…

This couldn't be happening! It could not!

It's so dark, so quiet.

Father knows I fear the dark!

Why wouldn't he answer me?

_You know why…_

The darkness seemed to whisper.

No, no, no, no…

"Papa?!" I sobbed into the stillness.

Only the darkness answered.

Only the silence.

And suddenly I knew…And once you know, you can never stop knowing!

Please Angel, help me now!

I _knew_…

Oh God, Papa was dead!

My Papa was dead and gone from this world forever!

All this was real!

I ran from the room then.

This night would haunt me forever I knew.

I would never be the same.

So I ran, for I was so very good at running.

I did not kiss his poor cheek as I had meant to.

I did not even say goodbye.

Because Papa was not there…

There was only a body…

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**So what did ya think? I'd love to know so please review.**

**x Restless And Tempted x**


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